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A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, Come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few puffs. After a while the lizard says "my mouth is really dry I'm going to get a drink from the river"

Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the water. A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side.

"What's the matter with you?" asks the croc The lizard explains about the monkey in the tree, getting stoned, and falling into the river while taking a drink.

The croc says "I gotta check this out for myself" and walks into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says...."F******k.....DUDE,.......how much water did you drink?!!"



Nog van deze stoner jokes???

Laat maar komen, ben best benieuwd...

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een man en zijn vrouw zijn met spoed aangekomen in het ziekenhuis. De vrouw moet bevallen.

In de operatie kamer komt alles op gang.


puffen en persen.


"persen persen" zegt de doktor "ik zie het hoofdje al"


Het hoofdje komt te voorschijn en is bruin...


"tja" zegt de vrouw "ik heb het 1 keer met een neger gedaan"

"1 keer is genoeg hoor" zegt de doktor


En weer "persen, persen"

Het róde rompje komt tevoorschijn.

"tja" zegt de vrouw "ik heb het 1 keer met een indiaan gedaan"

1 keer is genoeg hoor" zegt de doktor


En een laatste keer "persen, persen" roept de doktor.

En daar komen twee perfecte maar gele beentjes tevoorschijn.

"tja" zegt de vrouw ik heb het ook 1keer met een chinees gedaan

"jaha" zegt de doktor "1 keer is genoeg"


de vrouw vraagt of alles goed is want ze hoort de baby niet

de doktor geeft de baby een flinke tik op de billen waarop de baby begint te krijsen.


"ooo gelukkig" zegt de vrouw "ik was even bang dat hij ging blaffen"

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komt een dom blondje bij de bibliotheek, loopt naar de balie, en met redelijk luide stem


"2 frikandellen speciaal en een patat oorlog met uitjes a.u.b."


mevrouw achter de balie, "wat zegt u nu?"


dom blondje praat wat harder omdat ze denkt dat mevrouw haar niet hoort


"2 FRIkandellen speciaal, en een PATAT oorlog.


"mevrouw achter de balie "Maar weet u dat u in een bibliotheek bent? sssst"


Dom blondje: fluisterd nu : " ooh sorrie, maar mag ik twee frikandellen speciaal en een patat oorlog?"

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Q. What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?

A. Politicians don't inhale...they just suck.


Did you hear about the stoners that locked their keys in the car ? It took them two hours to get out.


Q. How do you get a one armed hippie out of a tree ?

A. You pass him a joint.


Q. What do you get when you eat marijuana ?

A. A pot belly


Q. What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs ?

A. Double jointed.


Two stoners are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls. One says to the other i sure wish i could do that. The other stoner says you better get to know him better first.


Q. How do fish party ?

A. Seaweed.


Q. Hear about the stoner who put his condom on backwards ?

A. He went.


Q. What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?

A. Malnutrition.


Q. What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?

A. A Liar.


Q. How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?

A. When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.


Stoner good fortune: When you are cleaning your room and find some hooch you forgot about.


Stoner Pick-up Line: Hey, I have a 9 inch joint.


You might be a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes.


There is a thin line between love and hate. Its starts about halfway through the joint.


Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of good pot.


Q. What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner ?

A. The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will wait for it to turn green.


Q. Why did the pot head plant cheerios ?

A: He thought they were donut seeds.


Two stoners were walking and saw a fly on a pile of crap. One stoner says to the other- Wow he had to go bad.


The stoner went to a bar. He has'nt had any nookie in awhile. He saw this chick leaning on the cigarette machine in a dark corner and decided to talk to her. Hey baby i know this is a little forward but i dont get out much so im willing to take a chance. Why dont me and you go to your place and get stoned, maybe cuddle and make a little whoopie. She looked up at the stoner and said - I cant right now, im on my menstrual cycle. The stoner scratched his head and thought for a second - it's ok I'll follow you, I'm on my honda.



Going to Hell

An alcoholic, a sex addict and a pothead, all die and go to Hell. Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them, "I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from earth and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods."


Satan first approaches the alcoholic, "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the alcoholic responds, "I want the finest brew, wine and liquor you can get me". Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine and of course the purest grain alcohol, each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste; a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, "WHOOA WHO!!" in excitement, and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.


Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the sex addict responds "WOMEN! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!". Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge breasts, some with small breasts, some with big asses and some with small asses, some tall with never ending legs and some short, some have tight pussies and some have shaved pussies. All of the women are hot, naked and very horny. The sex addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.


Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the pothead responds, "Well, that's easy! I want the best pot you got". Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pot head was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style (like with his legs crossed), took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan looks at him curiously, shuts the door and locks it.






Satan returns to the first room (remembering the alcoholic), unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked covered in his own vomit and shit, screaming "HELP!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!". Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.


Satan then returns to the second room (remembering the sex addict), unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.


Satan finally arrives at the third and final room (remembering the pothead), unlocks and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan's evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched; just as dank as the day he left them. Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. So Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, "What's wrong?". A tear rolls down the pothead's cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies,"Got a light, man?"

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